Author Topic: My short story!  (Read 2316 times)

Offline Shadow

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My short story!
« on: July 27, 2012, 10 AM »
Okay, so the day has finally come and here it is, my fully translated short story! :happygiri: and since it's translated (by me) there might be some things that aren't perfect, so feel free to point it out and critic is always good, even if it is negative. Feel free to write what you think about the story, I can take it! :D
And a huge thank you to the people who helped me out with choosing the right words, you know who you are! And since I said I'll translate it for Pai I guess I'll have to dedicate it to him to. XD
And a small warning, it's a horror story, so don't get nightmares! ;)

(click to show/hide)

Offline Clov3r

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Re: My short story!
« Reply #1 on: August 23, 2012, 12 PM »
Well, for starters, it could use better writing and grammar; I felt that it got sloppier towards the end.
Two hours later I fall asleep and I sleep until I wake in the morning to leave for my summer work.
We already know that she fell asleep, so there's no need to put, "and I sleep," after that.
My body-temperature feels normal again so I get out of the bath and walk to the kitchen to make a cup of hot chocolate with whipped cream and do yesterday's dishes.
This sentence just feels so crammed together, and, well... kinda boring. It sounds more like a report than a story.

And now for the story itself.

In the part where she cuts her finger while cutting the watermelon, her classmates' reaction of laughter doesn't seem very realistic. Why would they laugh? Wouldn't people normally be curious as to why a ring changes color so quickly? (Unless it was some mood ring.) Also, was the protagonist being bullied? Her classmates seemed like pretty huge douchebags/just plain stupid for 1.) Laughing at her ring changing color and 2.) Not caring about the fact that she's hurt and bleeding.

Also, why did she kill everyone? I get that the ring she found had some kind of evil power that influenced her, but there wasn't too much detail on that. I'm not saying that there should be a lot of detail on it, but it just sounds like you're adding in gore for no reason at all. It didn't have to be as extreme as killing all of her classmates. Just because it's horror doesn't mean there has to be bloodshed. A good horror story can have some mysterious elements in the ending or just leave you generally feeling a little creeped out. The only mystery to me, though, was how she was still alive at the end. Wasn't her nightmare about being burned alive? ...What did the kids have to do with the nightmare? And if she lived her nightmare, shouldn't she be dead? ...Nothing really... makes sense to me.

tl;dr Overall, it needs some work, but you'll get better as you practice.

I don't have any horror stories, but here are some horror comics I recommend. Just think of it as learning material.

His Face All Red
The Prince and the Sea
Margot's Room (For this one, you click on the items in the picture below as mentioned in the poem above. So first you click on the flowers, then the doll, and etc.)

wolves are cool


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